Discomfort during sex: how to move towards pleasure

So many women tell me sex feels uncomfortable. When you hear it from your friends, from women online, from your own body, it can be really easy to believe that's just how it is.

But just because something is common does not mean it's normal.

I wrote about some of the physical and emotional sides of this in this post. Today I want to get practical and share some things you can actually do.

First things first though. If what you're feeling is sharp or really intense, please go and see your doctor. Your body deserves to be checked properly, and they're your first point of call.

Your inside and outside don't always get ready at the same time

This is one of the biggest things I see. A woman's arousal often starts on the inside. She can be really engorged and wet inside the vaginal canal, but the outside, the entrance, takes a little longer to catch up.

So it can feel dry and uncomfortable at the entrance even when your body is actually ready. I've had men come to see me who feel this too, a kind of friction at the entrance that they don't understand.

This is where lube is beautiful. Not to replace your arousal, never that, but to support the outside while it catches up with the inside.

Get to know your clitoral bulbs

Most of us think of the clitoris as the little pea at the top of the vulva. But it goes all the way down both sides of the vaginal entrance, under the outer lips. These are your clitoral bulbs and they're erectile tissue, just like the rest of the clitoris.

One thing I love to suggest is touching this area with a little oil at times when you're not having sex. No goal, no pressure. Just getting to know it. Over time your body starts to remember, so when you are being intimate, sensation flows there more easily.

If you notice numbness anywhere, I've written about releasing numbness in the yoni too.

Bring in circles

This is so simple and I use it all the time.

Put your hands on your knees and start making slow circles through your hips. Then try circles through your chest, pushing the chest forward and rolling the shoulders through.

Moving the spine like this helps you soften and slow down. And when you're relaxed, your yoni can relax and receive so much more. Whether that's a finger, a partner, a toy, whatever you choose.

Go at your pace

If there's one thing I want you to take from this, it's this. Go at your pace.

There's nothing worse for the yoni than the feeling of needing to do something. If you're having sex because you feel like you have to give your partner relief, your body will shut down. That's not you being broken. That's your body protecting you.

If your partner has a lot of sexual energy and you're not ready, there are ways for them to hold that energy in their own body and bring it through their heart and their hands to you, without any pressure on penetration. The more your body can drop into rest, the more room there is for pleasure.

Sometimes it's not only physical

In my work I've seen how much the way we feel about ourselves, and about a partner, shows up in the body during intimacy.

So it's worth looking at both. Get checked by your doctor, and also be gentle with yourself while you explore the emotional side.

I talk about all of this in the video below.

Quick answers

Is it normal for sex to feel uncomfortable?

It's common, but it isn't something you just have to put up with. Your body is giving you a message. See your doctor if it's sharp or intense, and explore arousal, pace and relaxation too.

Why does sex feel uncomfortable at the entrance?

Often the outside of the vulva takes longer to become aroused than the inside. More time, more touch and a good lube can help. If it keeps happening, get checked by your doctor.

How can I make sex more comfortable?

Slow down, spend more time on arousal, use lube at the entrance, move your hips and spine to relax, and only go at the pace your body is ready for.

If you'd like a deeper conversation about any of this, reach out to me at info@yonielixir.com.

With love

Victoria