Orgasm can often feel like the illusive golden snitch that we just can’t catch.
After 9 years as a sexologist I have come across many women who share they can’t orgasm and when we work through some of these common challenges what they discover is that they were having very very small un-noteworthy orgasms that they needed to build and increase to really be able to revel in the pleasure.
So before we dive in, consider that if there is a story that ‘you’re broken’ or ‘it just doesn’t happen’ perhaps there is an opportunity to build this bodily function like a muscle at the gym!
Okay first things first.
There are 3 major challenges I’ve come across in my practice of why a woman can not orgasm.
- There has been a significant trauma or challenge in her life that has built up tension and anguish in the cells. Usually when this woman is intimate with herself or another there will be a numbness, or feelings of terror, or just a general aversion to wanting to open and feel more of what is happening in the body in any given moment. This is a very valid protection method, even if a woman consciously wants to open, the body (especially the yoni) will not open.
To work with this challenge I recommend talk therapy as the first point of call, followed by a yoni mapping/massage (preferably with a woman if the trauma was activated by a male) to begin to allow the cells to slowly unravel the experience of pain that lives within. When working with sexual trauma please remember self compassion is the first point of call. Even though it can often feel like nothing will ever change, it will, when you learn to move at the pace of your body.
2. Strengthening the clitoris. This is something common for women post birth or if there is a sexual shame present in the body. We often think of the clitoris as the small pea size mound at the top of the vulva but the clitoris actually extends all the way down the sides under the outer labia and extends back inside. You can increase sensation and encourage engorgement by bringing daily touch with yoni elixir to the outer labia. This helps strengthen the capillaries and allows for the engorgement of the yoni to stay longer, encouraging more blood flow to circulate through the sex centre. This is exercise also increases libido.
3. Lastly, stimulating the genitals for pleasure instead of orgasm. This sounds obvious but majority of the women I meet struggle to feel motivated if they can’t have an orgasm. I recommend the practice of moving from masturbation to self pleasure. Masturbation is all about being goal orientated to have an orgasm. Ensuring you touch your genitals, and aim for arousal and orgasm. Where as Self pleasure is the process of tuning in with the body and recognising what thoughts, emotions, feelings and sensations are alive in the body and communicating with them using the tantric tools of sound, breath, movement, and touch. To discover more about this, check out my videos on you tube.
If you have any further queries about how you can learn to orgasm, please reach out. This journey is very individual and what stands in your way may be unique.
With love
Victoria
